The Secret Formula for The #1 Work Skill: Giving Effective Feedback
Today, I want to talk about something important.
*Record scratch*... Feedback.
Prefer watching over reading? Video here
Feedback was not always something I liked. Dare I say, it was on my list of “least favorite things,” along with slimy okra, boring books with size 3 text, and overt (or covert) rudeness.
Let me paint you a picture of a particularly scary experience I had with it:
I'm 22, wearing my "I'm a serious professional" blazer, sitting across from my colleague who's doing that thing where he steeples his fingers like a Bond villain.
"Lissy," he says, "your attitude at work is... energetic."
Energetic. ENERGETIC. Not good? Not professional? Energetic. Like I'm a golden retriever who accidentally got into the pumpkin spice K-Cups.
He continues: "Maybe moving forward you could, try less hard? Like pickup on the 5th ring, not the first? Can you do that, Bubbles? You’re making me look bad.”
My brain's response?
Complete system shutdown. My face went from normal human color to "tomato having a hot flash." My armpits instantly became tropical rainforests. And my mouth—which had JUST been forming words like a functioning adult—suddenly forgot how the world of words worked (alliteration, ooof!).
"I... yes... phone... be less helpful (in client service)... got it..." I mumbled, while internally screaming "QUICK PICKUPS SHOW I CARE, GREG!" Meanwhile, I was melting inside. It felt terrible. Demoralizing. Confusing…and just plain bad.
Turns out, this was terrible feedback (for about 16 reasons). But for years, I thought I was just emotionally fragile. I avoided feedback because it all felt so bad…
Your Brain Thinks Feedback Is a Hammer, Monster, or Worse…
What I didn’t realize, was that my brain was just doing exactly what 200,000 years of evolution programmed it to do. Our brains are wired to minimize threat/danger/bad feelings and maximize pleasure/reward/good feelings. Between this and the fact that our brains process social threats (like criticism) the same way they process physical threats (like predators):
So when someone says "we need to talk about your performance," your limbic system freaks out: it literally can't tell the difference between that and a saber-toothed tiger attack. Your amygdala starts screaming "DANGER! DANGER!" faster than you can say "but it’s constructive" (criticism).
This processing happens in a FIFTH OF A SECOND. Before you even consciously process the words, your brain has already decided whether to fight, flight, or freeze like a deer in performance-review headlights.
The Feedback Paradox That Broke My Brain
Here's where it gets wild: While we're all walking around with our primitive brains treating feedback like some kind of virus to be avoided, research has found that:
69% of managers are too uncomfortable to give it (they're also afraid!). Yet it’s one of the most important skills you need to get promoted in any role (especially if you want to be a manager).
10% of all employee turnover is caused by low-quality feedback (so they say)
$26,000 per employee is the annual cost of bad communication to companies (Oh, and nobody got time for that).
While feedback is definitely happening (albeit, not often or well), “according to professional services firm PwC, nearly 60% of employees surveyed stated that they would like feedback on a daily or weekly basis. That number increased to 72% for employees who are under age 30.”
So we're all avoiding the thing that we want and that can actually help us. And this avoidance creates more problems, which makes feedback even scarier, which... *gestures at the entire (corporate) world falling apart*....
So Now What?
Another story: The first time I managed, I had to give feedback to someone. I was too scared to do it the right way, so I used the “socratic method” to beat-around-the-bush and ask him questions so he could “come up with the answer on his own. Two questions in, he literally asked if I was "grilling him” and sounded like a cop. I was trying to be nice. He was trying not to cry. We were both failing spectacularly.
At that moment I realized: I’d never actually been taught HOW to give feedback. We just were throwing words at each other, softly (or too damn hard), like emotional grenades and hoping for the best.
It's like being asked to perform surgery with a butter knife and good intentions. No wonder we're all traumatized.
After some great advice from my boss at the time, diving deep into the research, and having approximately 847 awkward feedback conversations, I have discovered something revolutionary:
There's actually a formula that makes feedback feel like a gift instead of a root canal. One that works WITH your brain's wiring instead of against it. One that people actually THANK you for using.
I'm talking about feedback that:
Doesn't trigger your friends fight-or-flight response (and keeps them calm as a cucumber)
Actually gets acted on (instead of ignored while sobbing in the bathroom and shout-crying to your mom that you’re quitting…like NOW)
Makes you look like leadership material (even if you're 23 and still figuring out how retirement accounts work)
Transforms relationships (and teams) from dysfunctional disasters into actual functioning, well-oiled humans
Your Mission (Should You Choose to Accept It)….
In my latest 15-min "Your Brain, Explained" episode, I'm breaking down the exact 5-part formula that transformed me from feedback-phobic to feedback... well, still nervous but functionally capable.
Including:
The pre-feedback prep work that changes the game
The magic pause that does 80% of the work for you
Actual scripts you can steal (because who has time to be creative when sweating?)
I hope that you enjoy it. And as always, thank you for your time and mind 🥸🫡