Your Brain is Starving and You're Only Feeding It Once a Year…
Last week I went to get coffee and the barista handed me my latte and I said "thank you" and she said "no, thank YOU" and then I, like an idiot, said "no really, thank you" and then we just stood there in this very awkward gratitude standoff until someone behind me coughed this garbled grossness and I had to leave.
Anyway, I've been thinking about thank yous, given.. You know: Thursday.
I love the holiday. Don't get me wrong: the perfect bite™, the family time, the ugly sweaters, the once a year excuse to overeat stuffing and pie and forget about my metabolic issues with abandon, the non-stop "I'm so grateful for you" texts…
But what bugs me about Thanksgiving—aka my beef with turkey—is that we've turned gratitude into a seasonal menu item. Like the McRib. Or pumpkin spice. We wheel it out in November, perform our Instagram gratitude posts, then pack it away for another year while we go back to being stressed, depressed, and waiting for December's presents to pick-me-up.
Meanwhile, your brain is over here starving for positive feedback.
Unlike turkey, which should only be served once a year because of its insane preparation time and dry, hard-to-make-tasty meat… thank yous should be an everyday thing.
Your Brain Tho …
Quick reminder: Your brain remembers bad stuff way better than good stuff. Really. There's a paper I've mentioned before called, "Bad is Stronger Than Good" and it states that the negativity bias is why we remember the constructive, hard, bad, negative, disappointing things more than the good stuff. Like why I can remember every constructive piece of feedback I've ever gotten, but constantly have to reread the good stuff to actually believe it!
The only exception to this rule? Childbirth. Our brains let us forget just enough of the challenge of birth to do it again. Which honestly feels wild… but here we are.
The math your brain needs: 5-10 positive interactions to balance out ONE negative one. Yep. 10:1 or 5:1 ratios of good to bad.
So if you're saying "good job" once a month to your partner/roommate and giving constructive feedback daily, you're basically asking this human to run a marathon on a diet of criticism and the occasional stale compliment. The brain won't stand for it.
We Stopped Giving Gold Stars, So Everything Broke
Remember when you were a kid and you brought your dish to the sink and adults acted like you'd just discovered penicillin? "OH MY GOD! YOU DID IT! WITHOUT BEING ASKED! YOU'RE AMAZING!"
Full standing ovation for basic table clearing.
Then you turn 21 and suddenly it's radio silence. Show up on time every day for a year? Yeah B… you're supposed to do that. Meet a deadline without anyone having to follow up seventeen times? Crickets. Bring your dish to the sink? Nobody gives a @#$!.
You save your appreciation for people who can't tie their own shoes yet, and then you wonder why adult morale is in the toilet.
The Reciprocity Thing (Or: Why Thank Yous Are Contagious)
Robert Cialdini figured out that humans are really weird about owing people. Like, psychologically uncomfortable with it. When someone does something nice for us, we're hardwired to return the favor.
Which means "thank yous" don't just make people feel warm and fuzzy - they start a whole chain reaction of warm, fuzzy goodness.
You appreciate someone → they feel seen → they appreciate someone else → their cortisol drops → they're nicer to the grocery store clerk → that clerk goes home in a better mood → their roommate has a better evening → world peace.
It's like a tornado, but a good one.
Compare this to negativity, which spreads like wildfire (see: every comment section on any article ever written about politics), and you realize appreciation is actually a competitive advantage you're just... not using.
Why It's Gotta be Specific
Here's the thing about appreciation…it has to be specific.
"Thanks for all your hard work" = verbal wallpaper that breaks trust or feels fake.
"Thanks for flagging that budget issue before I presented to the CEO and looked like an idiot" = actual human connection that builds trust or makes me feel seen.
Specificity is the difference between someone thinking "they're just being nice" and "holy shit, they actually noticed me."
What To Do About It
Go text someone one specific thing you appreciate about them. Right now. Do not wait until your annual Thanksgiving dinner speech. Don't wait until you're three sheets to the wind and feeling sentimental…
Text them now.
Your partner, Sam. Your coworker, Jenn. Your mom, Buck (though let's be real, you're calling not texting).
And if you really want to level up? Thank yourself. For showing up. For not losing it in that meeting. For remembering to eat lunch. This is a quick way to boost positive affect (feelings), build motivation, and build a cycle-of-good in your day. I know, I know - appreciating yourself feels narcissistic and woo… Do it anyway. Research says it's good for you. Your brain needs the positive data points to rework those ratios for goodness sakes.
The Point
Gratitude isn't turkey; it isn't a special treat you save for good behavior; it's not expensive:
It's how you train your brain to notice good things in a world actively trying to make you focus on everything that's wrong.
Every time you say a genuine thank you, you're:
Convincing your brain that not everything is a dumpster fire
Starting a positivity outbreak (finally, a good use for contagion)
Making someone feel less like a ghost everyone walks through/over
Exercising your brain without wearing Lululemon
Putting good karma into the universe instead of rage-commenting on LinkedIn
So this Thanksgiving, sure, thank Aunt Beth for hosting 50+ people, Aunt Meg for making her spice cake, mom for packing snacks for the drive, dad for driving, grandma Bubs for sharing her birthday spareribs with you…
But don't wait for a holiday to say thank you.
Extra Credit: If receiving compliments makes you want to crawl out of your skin, practice saying "thank you" instead of "oh this old thing?" when someone appreciates that amazing shmatahhh you wear to the Turkey Day festivities.