The Summer Trap: Why Our Expectations Are Sabotaging Our Happiness (and What to Do About It)

After a refreshing summer getaway to Nantucket, where I indulged in the sunshine, ocean views, and all-you-can-eat ice cream, I felt inspired to write about more than just the simple joys of Vitamin D and beachside leisure. Instead, I’d like to delve into something a bit heavier, yet incredibly vital for our well-being: the pervasive role expectations play in our lives and minds.

Yes, this might be a deeper dive than you’d expect from someone who just took a quick trip to the beach, but stay with me. I promise you can expect lightness at the end of this seemingly random tunnel.

Summer, in particular, is ripe with expectations. 

We anticipate endless fun in the sun, spontaneous trips to the beach, devouring "trash" books without guilt, savoring amazing sandwiches, shedding that persistent "corporate tan" for a healthy glow, and basking in pure joy. For many, summer is deeply intertwined with cherished memories of childhood – carefree frolicking, an abundance of ice cream in a wafflecone, days at camp, and endless hours by the pool. We carry these idealized visions into adulthood, hoping to see a glimpse of them on the weekend to "get us through the work week" and infuse our lives with unadulterated happiness.

But summer, unfortunately, is also ripe with disappointments. The reality often includes sand in your tuna sandwich, opportunistic seagulls making off with said sandwich, unexpected rainy days, the dreaded discovery of a forgotten, musty towel, elusive public bathrooms, overcrowded beaches with extortionate parking fees, and weekends that feel even more jam-packed than our workdays. These everyday annoyances can quickly chip away at that idealized summer vision.

What Are Expectations, and Why Do They Matter for Your Mental Fitness?

So, what exactly are expectations? At their core, they're defined as a strong feeling or belief that something will occur. They're not just wishful thinking; they're deeply rooted in how our brains process information and navigate uncertainty.

According to our friends at MIT, expectations matter profoundly because "when we are uncertain about something we automatically rely on our prior experiences to optimize behavior." This fascinating cognitive process is known as 'Bayesian integration.' Essentially, if you can’t quite tell what something is, but from your prior experience you have some expectation of what it ought to be, then you will use that information to guide your judgment. It’s your brain’s efficient shortcut for making sense of the world. 

Given that our world is constantly brimming with uncertainty, expectations are being formed left and right—every single day—and summer is certainly no exception. Many of us harbor incredibly fond and special memories of our childhoods: frolicking without a care in the world, endless popsicles, days at camp for some, pools for others, with far fewer memories of the hard or mundane moments. So, we instinctively reach for these idealized visions each summer vacation, every "summer Friday," and at every summer wedding, setting the highest of expectations that they will "get us through the work week."

Yet despite all the nostalgic anticipation, summer doesn't always deliver the joy we imagine. Why the disconnect?
We're often stuck indoors, working on weekends, rushing our kids (and ourselves) around to even more activities than normal, and then, perhaps most insidiously, accidentally seeing on social media what other people are up to in idyllic Paros, Greece, or charming Porto, Portugal. This creates a psychological vacuum, a perfect storm for Bayesian integration to lead us astray with a problematic equation:

(High) Expectations – (Busy) Reality = (Lower than Expected) Level of Summer Satisfaction (aka Happiness).

The idea is simple: if you let this evolutionarily adaptive mental shortcut (our brain's reliance on past experiences to form expectations) determine how you show up to everything—especially summer—it’s very possible your level of satisfaction may be significantly lower than it needs to be. This isn't just about summer; it applies to virtually every facet of our lives, from career goals to personal relationships. 

Enter: A Mental Fitness Practice

This is where a robust Mental Fitness practice truly shines. It’s not about eliminating expectations entirely, but about managing them with conscious awareness. If you're finding your summer, your workdays, a birthday party, or even your friendships are less awesome than you're expecting, it’s time to pause and ask yourself a few critical questions:

Regarding your expectations:

• Are my expectations clear? Have I actually articulated what I'm hoping for, or is it a vague feeling of "summer should be fun"?

• Are my expectations realistic? Is it truly feasible to have a perfectly sunny, seagull-free, no-stress beach day every single time? Have I even blocked time to go outside? 

• Are my expectations based on current information or old information? Am I relying on a nostalgic childhood memory from 30 years ago, or on what's genuinely possible today, given my current life circumstances?

If you've assessed your expectations and determined they're clear, realistic, and based on current information, then it's time to pay attention to the second part of the equation — "reality." Ask yourself:

• Is there anything I can do to share these expectations with someone else (if applicable) or adjust my approach to make reality slightly more possible? For example, if you expect a pristine beach, research less crowded spots.

• Are my expectations aligned with my reality (not aligned with my favorite influencer’s perfectly curated Instagram feed, a fleeting childhood memory, or the seemingly effortless lives of characters on White Lotus or throw-back, Gossip Girl)?

And that, my friends, is just one set of questions you can use to adjust your mindset when you find yourself dissatisfied with summer, frustrated about your performance playing soccer for the first time in twenty-one years, annoyed by a colleague's mistake, or really, anything that triggers that feeling of disappointment.

Adjust your expectations via reflection, ensure your reality belongs to you and isn't a borrowed fantasy, and truly notice how your feelings shift. This isn't about lowering your standards for happiness; it's about raising your awareness to meet reality with grace and cultivate a deeper, more sustainable sense of satisfaction, long after the last, metaphorical ice cream cone has melted. It's about empowering yourself to find joy not just in idyllic getaways, but in the wonderfully imperfect rhythm of your everyday life.

So, as you navigate the rest of your summer, or any season really, take a moment to reflect on the expectations you’re bringing to the table. Are they serving you, or are they setting you up for a disappointment parade? By thoughtfully adjusting your mental lens, you might just unlock a whole new level of contentment, right where you are.